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Tuesday

Bawa ku terbang


I’m not sure how this all started. I’ve always avoided meeting new people and making friends and I never thought anything of it. When I manage to meet someone new I instantly assume they hate me. I am fine with that though. I have no problems with being alone. I enjoy it. Sometimes it gets a little depressing and I try to find a relationship. It never works out though. As soon as the person tells me they love me or I realize that I love them I start to panic. Everything in my body screams to run and I feel like I’m about to die.

I… Just can’t bring myself to be with someone. To be their slave… To lose myself to them… I know that they won’t ever feel the same way that I would about them and then they would leave me… I’m fine with being alone but not with someone leaving me. I have to be the one in control. Not them. I have to be the master of my body. Not my emotions.

If someone tries to get close to me, I run. Sometimes I physically run away but most of the time I do it mentally. I pull back, raise walls, and force my emotions so deep within me that they can’t control me. It’s the emotions the people try to bring with them that jump starts my panic attacks. So I push away and convince myself they no one will ever love me and I feel safe.

I feel hated and isolated but it doesn’t hurt. Nothing can hurt me if I don’t feel anything. I’m as unfeeling as stone and I’m fine with it. No one can touch me. I’m alone and I’m fine with it. To be alone… To be without love.. Is to be safe.

Friday

PerSOALkan soalan dan jawapan

‎"Jodoh itu rahsia Ilahi, dan Dia mengatakan awak untuk saya dan saya untuk awak"

" Kita tidak akan dikahwinkan dengan seseorang atas sebab jatuh cinta atau saling cinta mencintai kerana kita akan berkahwin dengan jodoh kita, jodoh yang Allah telah tetapkan sejak azali..."
(persoalan)

..sbb tu lah, berlaku "cinta dgn org lain, kawin dgn org lain." no matter how great the love is, kalau Luh Mahfuz dah catat jodoh kita dgn org lain. ia tetap terjadi, kun fayakun..
(jawapan)


it happen to me and i found da answer on dis friday thanks Allah SWT.. :)

Thursday

Siratan Jiwa


Cinta yg t'pendam dan tak tentu arah.. Kenangan, akan menjadi sebuah sejarah.. Lama t'simpan, tetapi terus menjadi sebuah tanda tanya.. Apakah ia masih ada, ataukah masih akan t'ingat, t'kenang, dan terasa.. Tetapi hati berharap, masih adakah ia dgn sebuah wajah angkuh, teduh, tetapi tetap sederhana?.. Supaya siratan jiwa, tidak menjadi sia2 dan hampa.. Aku b'tanya, mengapa ia selalu ada dlm sebuah bayangan mata, dan hati yg menginginkannya.. Tetapi aku yakin ia masih ada, didunia atau syurgaNYA Allah.. Hanya DIA yg tau segalanya.. Semoga tdk menjadi sebuah tanda tanya yg lama dan ter-sia2.. Do'aku, semoga ia b'bahagia selamanya.. Agar kenangan ini, menjadi sebuah kebaikan dan kebahagian bersama.. Amin, ya Allah..